An Old Tradition

by Juli Saragosa

with illustrations by Lena Dirscherl

on my return
all i find are empty shells

in an old place, seeking newness
with old friends
who don’t wanna touch
who don’t wanna go there
who disappear
when emotions are rough

home
not that fun anymore
lonely work, bored, lonely love
lost, lonely friends
distant

so i leave
not time to stand still

a spiritual quest
a time to invest
in me, my own love

i hit the western hotspots
of queer community
fame and glory
arrive
so removed from all of that

whales’ tails
tumbling salt waves
my body, ancient rocks
satya beats my shelled heart
desert sun, full moon
rising from my muladhara
light comes

the frustration
in the open love
mixed with lack of understanding
of who i am

how many times do i have to explain
what ‘queer’ means

the guru asks a room of young yoginis (a word
i refuse, it belittles me) to imagine
what the world would be like if
everyone was open and loving
without judgement, and cause i can’t
resist, i grin and say
‘then everyone would be gay!’
a laugh skitters across the room
later, he tells me perhaps
that could be true
for women, but
not for men
meaning, he can’t
imagine himself
being gay. ‘then that’s not
completely open’ i say. no
response, just an incredulous stare

opening to saraswati
accepting a different kind of love
reveals my commitment to initiating
change in an old tradition

so i move on
not time to stand still

to a small city by the sea
the catholics here just don’t get my
solo travel “¿por qué no tiene novio?”
with open arms they offer everything
but have nothing
except unconditional substances
and illicit love

i remain myself, hidden
not time to stand still

in the big city built on sewage
i find a people still
with its catholicism strong
politics

an affinity found, we
talk about community, family
but mostly, we work sewing
like the locals, vinyl roofs
for a gathering of those who fight
for freedom and justice

for the locals, who cannot
go home, like we can,
who do not
have leisure
of their own

the world economy is broken, but here
pesos are worth more
than the currency they’re given

after a day of work
and a cerveza together
we traverse a rumour, around zapata station is
the biggest city in the world’s
solo haven of queer feminism

yearning for home
i pleasantly discover
it is always here
my body

i relocate
ironically
to the bible-belt of Canada

a spiritual quest
a time to invest
in me, my own love

owls’ ears
stiffen biting air
my body, parched darkness
satya boils my urgency
desert sun, full moon
rising from my muladhara
light comes

the frustration
in the open love
mixed with lack of understanding
of who i am

how many times do i have to explain
what ‘queer’ means

i respond to unwanted touching from
a strange man with ‘you,
stay over there,’ someone
asks ‘so he’s your dog?’
‘no’ i say, ‘i like to pet
dogs, cuz they’re cute and
they don’t say stupid things’
the same incredulous stare

as if she’s never seen
a feminist

when you patronize me with a smile and say
‘you’re entitled to your own opinion’
i wonder if you have forgotten

at a women’s day event
you say to me ‘i’m not a feminist,
but i believe in women and men having
equal opportunities’

geri halliwell, after a decade of promoting
equality, now believes it
demasculates men

i think you see me
as a bra-burning lesbian,
funny

i don’t even own a bra
and i’m not a lesbian

opening to saraswati
accepting a different kind of love
reveals my commitment to initiating
change in an old tradition

Lena Dirscherl has been working as professional freelance illustrator and comic artist since 2014. She loves body positivity and Steven Universe. Her passions are video games and queer feminism. She is a founding member of KATENA Studios for vector illustration and information design.
Currently Lena is using Adobe Creative Cloud to realize her projects but she is always looking for good alternatives and new working tools.
Lena is against racism of any form and supports gender equality and net neutrality. She is very interested in working with clients who share the same values and want to make the world a better place.